[VIDEO] TWO ATTRACTIVE WOMEN EARLY MIDDLE AGE, DRESSED PROFESSIONALLY. EATING LUNCH IN CAFETERIA WITH YOUNGER PEOPLE. CAMERA TIGHTENS ON ONE OF THE TWO WHO IS UNHAPPY.
PROFESSOR 1. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. They’re just wearing me out. The constant whining. ‘The D on the final was representative of my understanding of the course.’
PROFESSOR 2. Or, ‘I really need a B plus to stay eligible for football.’
PROF. 1: Or lacrosse or tennis or ROTC.
PROF. 2. Or they just have never seen a grade below an A. Or feel entitled to a grade because they’re special. I know, believe me. Been there.
PROF. 1. And the men in the department are no better. They have the social skills of 14 year olds, most of them. I’ll knock myself out on some research, really work hard, and some 60 year old teen ager swats me down because I don’t parrot exactly the conclusions that his thesis advisor’s thesis advisor used. Is this what I sweated through my Ph. D. To do?
PROF. 2. Look, I know, I’ve been there too. Do what I did. Call the Famous Debunker’s School.
VIDEO DISSOLVES TO DISTINGUISHED GRANDFATHERLY MAN SEATED AT CLUTTERED DESK.
DISTINGUISHED MAN: At the Famous Debunker’s School, we’ve helped many frustrated academics put their frustration behind them. No matter what your field, we can help tailor a customized Christianity debunking announcement in time for Christmas or Easter. Our team of experts can work with you to put together a thesis, work with the National Geographic Channel to negotiate a holiday time special, and work with publishers to rush your book into print.
VIDEO DISSOLVES TO SHOW PROFESSOR 1 TALKING TO CONSULTANT. CONSULTANT HAS A YELLOW LEGAL PAD AND A PEN, AND TAKES NOTES.
CONSULTANT: Have you any idea that we could work with? We have a list of standard things, but it’s more convincing if it comes out of your own experience.
PROF. 1: Well, I’ve always been fascinated by the Ezekiel.
CONSULTANT: O, good choice. Vivid language, no one reads it any more. Hardly anyone’s done that. And what’s your academic specialty?
PROF 1. I’m a chemist, actually.
CONSULTANT (PUTTING DOWN PEN). This is your lucky day. And mine. Have you considered hallucinogens?
PROF. 1. Hallucinogens?
CONSULTANT. Yeah, you know, LSD, mushrooms, strange desert plants. You just have to claim that the author was high all the time. That whole valley of bones thing. . . had to be high to dream that up. A few other episodes like that. So you say, the author was clearly stoned out of his mind the whole time, and naive literalists took it all to be prophesy. Great for Christmas, I think.
PROF. 1. So then what?
CONSULTANT. We get one of our experts - Spong, Borg, Crossan - to say that this thesis advances our understanding of the text, then we talk to National Geographic, or maybe one of the more obscure cable channels. Actually, we’re starting our own show. “Yesterday’s World of the Bible Today,” with Bill Swing as host.
PROF. 1. Bill Swing?
CONSULTANT. Retired Episcopal bishop of California. Just the man for this sort of work. If we get good ratings, you can get your own show. “Hallucinogens of the Old Testament.” Could be great.
VIDEO DISSOLVES BACK TO DISTINGUISHED MAN.
DISTINGUISHED MAN. Remember, there’s nothing quite so rewarding as ruining someone’s Christmas.
hat tip to MCJ.